I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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