Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
