My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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