Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She's the barista slut.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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