i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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