You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
