im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
