Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
