Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
