Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
im six kinds of drunk right now
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
