I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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