I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
