I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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