Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
