If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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