he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
