Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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