Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
