Banned from zoo.
Again?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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