I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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