i need an iv and a liver transplant
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
