I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
