Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
