Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
