Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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