Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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