I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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