How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
