they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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