Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
