How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
