you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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