Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
