he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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