WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I need moral support for this bender
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
