Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
