I just pynch a tree in the face
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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