what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
