I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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