I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
