I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
