Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
