she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
