Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
