1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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