I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.