I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.