the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
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I am full of burrito and curiosity
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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