dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
