no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
