When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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