Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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