In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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