I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
