i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize