i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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