I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
