Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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