like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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