I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
