3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
