There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
