Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
