she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
