were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
